Do I Belong?

So then it was a lonely existence at home. Never really belonging and yet never sure I wanted to. My life was sad at home. We didn't care about each other much or if we did it was not like what I read about. It was stressful. My home life didn't improve. In fact when my father was around it was a harsh life. He was a strict parent. Birthdays were not really fun. Although my mother did make cake and do parties when she could. It seemed as though we were all really alone. Kind of like our own country.

If something happened out our house my father took to the willow branch. It was sometimes a lot of spanks, and you didn't forget the pain. I don't remember that we were allowed to express much in the way of feelings. This is when I started to hold things in my heart. I do remember my siblings always saying I was tenderhearted except they changed it to something else. It was not a nice thing.

My life it seemed would be destined to be lonely and isolated. That's what I always felt at home. Not at school. We had something at home that we called Saturday at the fights. That was the place where you were allowed to express the feelings ... it was fighting each other. So mainly the emotions were raw, hurtful, and angry. I knew in my heart that it wouldn't solve anything so I have very few memories of fighting back. I mainly took the beat downs and tried to live through the pain.

I do remember other things about that time too. Like we went to a Lutheran Church. I loved Church. It was fun to hear bible stories. I think my favorite ones were David and Goliath and about Ruth. I dreamed that someday I would be like both of them. Being able to not be a victim of life but being a survivor and then an overcomer. I didn't miss much church it was another outlet for me to live my life and be who I was. I think this is when I started turning to God. To thinking that he was out there and he cared about me.

While at home it was always stressful and harsh church and school were carefree places for me to be. I still used books to be in a different place. Memories get clouded with time but you know I think about the times my father would be so drunk he would kick us out of "his house". My mom who didn't have a driver's license or car would call some one and we would go there for the night. Then she and my father would make up and we would go back. It was a pattern of love and hate between them. One that is not healthy for any child to be around.

It got where we would sometimes sleep with clothes on and jackets as when he told us to leave we could only take what we had on. The rest belonged to him since he had bought it. Scary for a kid. My mom did her best and I think it that time of growing up it was what you did. You didn't get a divorce. You stayed together. No matter what. The holidays were like that too. I remember one Christmas the church brought over presents for all of us seven kids and when my father found out my mom had to call them and have them come get them. He wouldn't take charity from anyone. It was life. It was reality but it was, what it was.


I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.  -- Agatha Christie 


If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.  -- Frank Clark

This scripture is one that I love. It means so much to me. When darkness surrounds me, when I feel like giving up and I have and will... I try to remember this. For he does have a plan.. 

Jeremiah 29:11 - 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'

One of my favorite songs growing up.. I feel like this really fit my life and my family. Still does sometimes.

Simon And Garfunkel I Am A Rock Lyrics

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries. 

Life as I knew it

While I was doing well in school, life at home was not so great. It had to be hard on my mother as she didn't drive and didn't work outside of the home. My father did. He worked a lot of different jobs and I can't remember at what time he finally started his own business. But he drank a lot. His drink of choice 7 & 7.

He also gambled a lot. Betting on horses and the dogs. I don't know if I remember him sober much, but I do remember him always drinking. He was a mean drunk. I loved my father but I didn't like what he did. My siblings and I all suffered at his hands but my mother suffered a lot too. He abused my mother physically, emotionally, and financially. He used his money to do what he wanted and that usually wasn't taking care of us.

It was to do what he wanted not take care of his family. I was young so while I can not say that he totally provided we did have a place to live. Now that I am older I know that the times my mother made it seem fun for us were actual times that he had either gone on a binge or gambled away the money for paying bills and other things we may have needed.

When I was little I remember a few times when we would be getting ready for dinner and bed and we had no lights.. but my mother used candles. She told us it was a special night. Looking back I know we had no lights, my mom was very good at taking some of the bad things and making us not know how bad it really was. I am hopeful that I have passed this on to my own children. For when times are tough you have to protect your children as best as you can. It is not their issue to worry about utilities, or rent, or food. It's ours. We must protect them. Love them, and give them HOPE. They need to trust that we will take care of them no matter what, in good or bad.

I don't know when my father got diabetes but I always remember him giving himself shots. Sometimes we had to give him the shots. I didn't like it. Between the drinking and the shots .. well anyway lets say he was a selfish man. My mother always fixed him the best kind of foods. I think he made her. We sometimes didn't have food, because he "needed" his steak or whatever he wanted. He also was mean to my mother. One of the memories I have .. now it may be just my perception but I remember him beating my mother with a pan. This was because she did not fix his eggs the way he wanted. We had to watch. We watched many times as this played over and over. I will never forget those memories. They have dulled over the years but they are a constant reminder to me of my past. Of what I never want to do.

There are a few memories I have of my father that were good. He was a funny man when he wanted to be. He told jokes and he could make you laugh. But these memories are not as vivid. I try to focus on those times though because the minute you focus on bad things your life is filled with things that give credit to becoming that way. I instead chose life. I chose caring, and love.

Philippians 4:8

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁸ Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 

"life is a choice - as is how you handle the pitfalls along its bumpy road." Julie Donner Andersen

"Let your life mean something. Become an inspiration to others so that they may try to do more and to become more than they are today."
~Thomas D. Willhite~

I hope to be that. An inspiration. A person that thinks on the good and doesn't focus on the bad. I admit sometimes it is a struggle but I will keep working on it. Thank you for reading I hope to inspire you to move on or to keep on keeping on..

 

Grade School - Happy Memories at School

I loved school. Seemed that the teachers always cared more about me then what I ever felt at home. This was true for me all my school years. I was more quiet and reserved when I was a child. Even at school. I had a great many teachers who I loved and who always went the extra mile to encourage me. When I think back I remember not just the teachers but also the music and art teachers, and even some of the teacher and lunchroom aides.


 I think I recall going to so many different schools when I was young that we didn't have the same friends. Our friends were blessed they stayed at the same schools but not my family. I don't remember the age but I do clearly remember that I was at one school for a very short time.. maybe a month? Kid's were cruel to my family. Or maybe it was me because I was quiet. I was a different kind of quiet when I was at school then at home. At home I was like a nobody. Never felt loved much, nor really cared about. But at school the teacher's made me feel like I could do anything. Become somebody.

 Some of my earliest memories are of thinking I never wanted children because I wasn't sure I would or could be capable of love. Since I had so few examples to learn from. Affection was not something I remember much of at our house. Not giving or getting. I guess I didn't have a good grasp on what love was. I don't know if I was a good friend or sister growing up. I honestly have so few memories that are not locked inside or hidden that its hard for me to know.

 I told you about the first teacher I remember. I also remember Mrs. Fink. She was either my third or fourth grade teacher. But she loved Anthropology. I remember doing digs. Now I am not sure we really dug.. LOL but I do remember thinking how fun that would be to go out and find things that no one had found before. I kept thinking that maybe I could do that. But of course I don't really like the heat and I am not sure I really wanted it or that I did because my teacher invested in me. She was a good teacher. I learned from her that you cant be afraid to dig in to someone's life and reach out to them and find the things that make them tick. Things that they may not even know exist. When you have an opportunity to "teach" some one it will have an everlasting impact on them. You can make it be good or bad. It's a choice and a chance to change a life.


 So teach your children well..  

A teacher affects eternity: he can never tell where his influence stops. Henry Adams  

The most effective teacher will always be biased, for the chief force in teaching is confidence and enthusiasm. Joyce Cary

 Teaching is not a lost art, but the regard for it is a lost tradition. Jacques Barzun

My Early Years

So I think I was about 4 when I started reading. I loved to read. It took me to places where I didn't have to hurt. Where I was happy. I didn't have much happiness when I was a child. My family like many others was highly dysfunctional. Poor boundaries and lots of hurting going on. I have very few good memories of when I was a child.

I wonder why we can't always recall the memories good and bad but I tend to think that it may be a good thing .. if we remembered everything then we may not be able to move forward. Of course you can get stuck .. stuck in a place that isn't happy or healthy. Going to school was great for me. I seemed to thrive there. It wasn't hard. I loved learning and feeling like I was important. I didn't get much of that when I was a kid.

At school though I was teacher's pet. I didn't care what the other kids thought because I so craved an adult telling me I was doing a good job, that I was smart or whatever. I had some teachers in Elementary school that made an impact on me. One was my 2nd grade teacher. Her name was Mrs. Solomon. She was stern but caring. At one point I thought I might want to be a teacher, and it was because of her. She made school fun. Her daughter and I were good friends and enjoyed each other a lot.

While I have other memories of not so good things this is one that is imprinted on my mind. You see I truly believe that you can make a difference. She did. She was a teacher I still hope to find and reconnect with someday. There are times I dreamed she would find me and take me to her house and raise me. So I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. This was especially true after my birthday that her daughter Karen came to.

My father was not a nice man when he drank. I have said that before. But he was not always nice when he wasn't drinking either. Anyway at this party, he came home and I think he had been drinking but I can't be sure, as life as blurred some of the details. When he came home and realized that my friend was there, and she was not white, let's just say I truly understood shame at that point. He was horrible. I was sick to my stomach from the things he said. I didn't know if I could ever go back to school after that.

Good thing my teacher didn't hold what he said against me. When I look back I think the things he said helped me to realize that the color of someone's skin has very little to do with who they are. It also taught me that there are people who care but do not always know how to help. A few days after this I think is the first time I tried to run away. Of course at that age where do you run? Eventually I came home and back to the life I felt I would never leave.

So teachers, just know that you do have a big impact for good on a child. You can help a child by the way you treat or don't treat them. For that matter, anyone out there can make a difference. Sometimes its a simple smile, or a shrug. Or it may be that you should do more. But whatever you do .. the biggest thing is to let some one know you CARE.


In teaching you cannot see the fruit of a day's work. It is invisible and remains so, maybe for twenty years. ~Jacques Barzun

What a teacher writes on the blackboard of life can never be erased. ~Author Unknown

A truly special teacher is very wise, and sees tomorrow in every child's eyes. ~Author Unknown

Who I Am

So I have shared a little bit about some of the influential people in my life. And I will be doing more of that but today I am going to tell you a little about me ..

I was born in January of 1961, in Denver, Colorado. I was the 5th child of my parents. My parents had 2 boys and 5 girls. I am in the middle of the girls but not all of the children. My parents were not from Colorado. But that is where I was raised.

I am just learning more about my family. My father had 3 sisters. All of who are deceased. My father also is gone. My fathers mother Dena was a wonderful Gramma. She loved her children and grandchildren. I don't really know a lot about her as she died while I was still a child. But I loved to go to her house. She would take me to the 5 & 10 and I could spend money she gave me. She colored with me. I still have a color book that she bought me. Her bed was comfortable and she had the most beautiful long white hair, which she always put up in a bun. I remember the first time I ever saw it down.. I was so amazed that is was so long. She was a really good Gramma. She loved me, and I loved her. I was blessed she lived in Denver and we got to see her when we did. My aunts and my father will be another blog sometime.

My mother was one of five children. I am learning more about her every year. But she had an older brother whom I don't think I ever met, two younger sister's and a younger brother. My mother passed away too. My mom's mom was a special lady to me. While no one really cared for my Gramma Earlyne I loved her. She always talked to me and read with me .. she tried to teach me to knit (but that was not happening). LOL. My Gramma lived in California. I never got to go there to see her but she did come to Denver a few times. I can't be certain how many but it was enough for me to remember her and love her. I will be sharing more about her another time too.

So I had a big family growing up. It was not a good family though. It was rough. We didn't get along very often and it was a abusive way to live. My father was an alcoholic. It is the reason I don't drink. My mother had all of those children and we are all around a year apart. It wasn't an easy life for her. But as I am learning it was never an easy life when she was growing up either. My father was in the Navy. While I still don't know a lot about it.. I know that when he was stationed in San Francisco, California that is when he met my mother.

My father held many jobs while I was a child. He also got diabetes at some point. I can't tell you when it was but I don't remember him not giving himself shots. My mother did the best she could with what she had to work with. She didn't work outside of the home for a long time. Now that I am an adult I look back and see when there were things my mother did to make us not see how bad it really was. She was a good mom. From her I learned that when its a hard life you make it better for your children and you don't need to let them know how bad it really is.

I learned to read when I was very young. I loved reading. Reading was an escape for me. My favorite books were the Happy Hollisters. If you don't know about them they were mystery books. I have a few in my collection. Whenever I was sad, or lonely or many other things I would find myself in a book .. in another place in my life. A happy place where I was loved and cared for. That is not something I felt most of my life. I still struggle with that. But you know what? I am loved and cared for by the most important person who ever lived. Jesus Christ. My value is in Him and because of Him.

This is long and I do apologize. To be honest I really want to do this for my children and grandchildren and to show others that you don't have to be a victim of life but you can be a survivor and one who has a purpose to exist.

Some of my best friends.. Rebecca, Tina, and Debbie

I have had a lot of friends, still do. But there are a few who always have had my back so to speak. These friends love me for me. If I was anything else I think we would still be friends. I can not talk to them for awhile and when we get back together its like we were never apart. I am proud to know these ladies. They have been so good to me. They have loved me when I couldn't love myself, they have cared when I didn't want to, they have trusted me when I knew I couldn't trust myself. To these friends I want to say thank you for loving me when I am not always the most lovable. Thank you for being you and keeping a friendship with me.

Rebecca I met you when I was in high school. I was a sophomore and you were a senior. We were in a club together. While I am not sure the details of how we became so close I am sure of the why. You are such a huge inspiration to me and for me. You who had breast cancer and survived. You who helped me to laugh and cry and know I wouldn't fall apart if I did. You who taught me to drive, and to know some one would always care about me. Word's cant ever express the love I have for you.

We have been friends for over 30 years now. I have named one of my daughters after you. You got me through some of the darkest days in my life. When I didn't and couldn't trust anyone .. you showed me trust. You helped me walk through a door that I never, ever wanted opened again. One that held my heart. One that was shut, locked, and forever blocked with cement. But your loving friendship, and heart, and happiness gave me hope that my life was worth something. Even though I sometimes still struggle with that .. you are the one I call when I need a laugh, or a hard cry. One that I can still go to and you will never judge me. One who has this ability to see through what I am saying and what I need to or really want to say.

I think you may know me better then anyone ever has. Because of you.. I have a lasting impression of friendship. For you are a rose that blooms year round. Never dying and always of value and a sweet smell of love. A song that gets stuck in my heart and doesn't need to go away. Thank you for being a friend!

The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch with, never saying a word, and walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you've had. ~Author Unknown

Tina we met when our oldest girls were very young. We have shared many things over the years. Our children and their lives, and now their children (our grandchildren). The Wyoming wind, and weather. Hospital stays, poor days, and gloomy rays. You have helped me when I was so frustrated and felt so alone. The things I have never said thank - you for. I hope my children and grandchildren see you and the friendship we have as everlasting. One that endures in spite of life and the hard things that happen. You have always been willing to be an ear and an arm for helping. You have been the voice of reason for me.

Because of our similar beliefs we have a strong connection. A sister friendship and love between us. I share things with you that I know will never go any farther. We have shared birthdays, dinners, holidays, and lots of breakfasts. I cherish the times we are together and without our children, or grandchildren. Seems that those times are not so often and that's why they are so precious to me. When I doubt you remind me that I have a friend who I can always rely on. That he sticks closer then a brother and will never leave me or disappoint me. That he wont ever walk away from me.. I need that reminder. It gives me hope when I feel hopeless.

How do you teach your children that good friends are there sometimes, but great friends walk beside you and never lose sight of you? This is the kind of friendship we have. Its one that I sometimes take advantage of, but that I never want to forget. Thank you for being a fragrance in this smelly world that we live in. Thank you for being a reminder of the bigger picture.

A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails. ~Donna Roberts

Debbie is one of those kinds of people who always see the up in the upside down. One who truly cares and loves deeply. I never imagined that when we met on ebay that we would be as close as we are. I am forever grateful for your friendship. You helped me take some steps when I was so afraid. I think when you are hurt and feel alone its really hard to go through to the next round. But you helped me do that Deb. You still do.

I remember the first time we met. I was not afraid to drive to meet you in California. I was afraid of what you would think of me. I mean I was nervous. I know we had a back up plan. For that I am not even sure why. I knew when we would meet it would be like we had been friends forever and not like we didn't know each other. Meeting you was so cool, I know that's an outdated word but it really describes the friendship I feel with you. You are so thoughtful. When you made those care packages with M and sent them before we came so the girl's would have something to do on this long trip... that spoke volumes.

Going to Monteray with you and your kids, and my tag-a-longs as such an awesome experience. Seeing the beach and walking in the sand for the first time.. I am so glad its something we shared. I know that life has changed for both of us. And some of it isn't good but the memories we have will live on forever. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of the good times we have shared. When I leave I already start planning what it will be like when I come again. And when I am there I think how sad I will be to leave.

You accepted me as I am Deb. That's a huge thing. One that not many people do for others. You care and I want you to know I care. I can call you or text you at 3 in the morning. You listen. Someday .. we will have other good memories and the pain of all this past stuff will be but a distant memory. Let's continue to build our sand castle. The one that is meant to be. I love you Deb. I hope when people read about you they see that friendship may not start when you are younger but that it can feel that way. Ours does. I know we have talked about if we had been kids in the same town we would be friends I believe that. You are a remarkable, amazing woman and friend. Thank you Deb for all the things you have taught me about friendship. About life.

Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things. ~Author Unknown



So to me friendship is something that presents itself in many ways with others. But true friendship will withstand the hourglass of time. It will be there when life happens and when it doesn't. You can have friends that are important in your life for very different reasons. I do. While this doesn't talk about all of my close friends it sums up the different kinds of friends I have. They are all unique and all serve different areas of our lives. If you have a friend that you trust, that cares about you, you need to water that friendship. Step out of your comfort zone and reach out, don't be afraid to also let them reach out to you.



When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen

Aunt Carole

Good morning,

Today I was thinking and looking at the snow. We live in Wyoming where we do get snow but we also get wind. The wind can gust up to 75 mph. That makes it really cold. My grand children don't mind it so much. But I do. The older I get the more I don't care for the way the wind seems to go right thru me.

When I was little I remember growing up in Denver. I don't think the wind was as bad there. But funny how the older you get the memories seem to fade a little. Or we just know that life goes on, perhaps we no longer think about the cold, or the snow, or the wind. I think that is also like life. The older I get the more the bad memories seem to dull in my mind.
Of course they are still there. Some are triggered by a smell, or a color, or a picture, or could be anything. But as an adult I try to keep the bad memories in the back of my mind and instead remember the good ones. I have very few good memories as a child. But I do remember my Aunt Carole. She is my mother's youngest sister. I love her. She always seems to be there with a beautiful smile. She lives over 1000 miles away and a few years ago I was able to see her again.

I had only met her once before that was when I was 12. I kept in touch with her though. Sending her cards, pictures, notes.. I kept in contact with her as I had my children. I was so excited to see her in person again. I love how sometimes you can meet some one and know that they are some one you will always know or always want to know. I love how you can just have a conversation with them like they were there all along. Well today I want to say I love you Aunt Carole. Thank you for being you.