There are many nights I can't or don't sleep. This is one of them. I am not sure when that started. For as long as I can remember I have slept with my normal of 3-4 hours. If I am sick I will sleep more. Sometimes I will sleep longer. I am a light sleeper for the most part too.
I think it could be the way my life was when I was younger. When there always seemed to be so much turmoil. My head couldn't rest. Worried that we would have to leave in the middle of the night, or that we would be made to wake up and watch or hear what was being said or done to my mother. The fear was a very real thing to me as a child. I honestly am not sure I felt safe. Can't say that I felt secure and happy much. More like just thought it was normal. That it was a normal thing to have so little sleep and security.
Seems odd I know but I think that even when we were awakened for something that might be considered good it was not really a healthy thing. I do remember when my father would come home from a horse or dog race and he won big. He would wake all of us up and take us out to breakfast.. even at two or three in the morning. Was this a normal thing for others? I doubt it.
There would be times when he got us up for tragic things too. Like if we did not do what he expected us to do. I hope when my girls think back about life in my home that the memories they have of unexpected moments in time will not be ones that cause them distress. For that was never my intention. I have done some zany things with them. I used to wake them up at one minute after midnight on their birthdays to say I love you and Happy Birthday. I really don't know if they even remember those times.
Other times I did get them up early .. to go to breakfast. Or to go somewhere. I loved traveling early with them. In the stillness of the night.. or rather early morning. It was and still is such a peaceful time for me. It's when I can't fall asleep that its restless. Like tonight.When sleep eludes me its because I feel stressed out, worried, or maybe even overwhelmed. These are the nights when I just need to write or cry, or think, or pray.
Sometimes these nights cause me to go to the dark places I have lived through. Things that I have pushed away and hidden because they are painful. I don't like living in the past. I don't like reliving the sorrow. I prefer when I can't sleep to think about the good things in my life. The many times when I coulda, shoulda, woulda lived differently but in spite of me.. God got me through those times. This is the path I want .. the path of life not of death. Of everlasting love, hope and security not pain, sorrow, and despair.
So not tonight once again I am reminded that he has come to give me life and give it more abundantly. Thank God for that. Because the other choice is not one I want. I want to feel the warmth and love of my Heavenly Father. One that cared back then, and one who cares now. One who knows the amount of hairs on my head. Have to be honest .. they are a lot less then when I was younger. LOL But tonight or when you read this.. know there is some one who bore all the sorrow we have ever known or will ever know. He is the rock, and a very present help in life.
Maybe now the rest that has eluded me will finally come. I think I will head to sleep. To rest in Him the Author and Finisher of my faith. The reason I live and breath and have Hope.
I think it could be the way my life was when I was younger. When there always seemed to be so much turmoil. My head couldn't rest. Worried that we would have to leave in the middle of the night, or that we would be made to wake up and watch or hear what was being said or done to my mother. The fear was a very real thing to me as a child. I honestly am not sure I felt safe. Can't say that I felt secure and happy much. More like just thought it was normal. That it was a normal thing to have so little sleep and security.
Seems odd I know but I think that even when we were awakened for something that might be considered good it was not really a healthy thing. I do remember when my father would come home from a horse or dog race and he won big. He would wake all of us up and take us out to breakfast.. even at two or three in the morning. Was this a normal thing for others? I doubt it.
There would be times when he got us up for tragic things too. Like if we did not do what he expected us to do. I hope when my girls think back about life in my home that the memories they have of unexpected moments in time will not be ones that cause them distress. For that was never my intention. I have done some zany things with them. I used to wake them up at one minute after midnight on their birthdays to say I love you and Happy Birthday. I really don't know if they even remember those times.
Other times I did get them up early .. to go to breakfast. Or to go somewhere. I loved traveling early with them. In the stillness of the night.. or rather early morning. It was and still is such a peaceful time for me. It's when I can't fall asleep that its restless. Like tonight.When sleep eludes me its because I feel stressed out, worried, or maybe even overwhelmed. These are the nights when I just need to write or cry, or think, or pray.
Sometimes these nights cause me to go to the dark places I have lived through. Things that I have pushed away and hidden because they are painful. I don't like living in the past. I don't like reliving the sorrow. I prefer when I can't sleep to think about the good things in my life. The many times when I coulda, shoulda, woulda lived differently but in spite of me.. God got me through those times. This is the path I want .. the path of life not of death. Of everlasting love, hope and security not pain, sorrow, and despair.
So not tonight once again I am reminded that he has come to give me life and give it more abundantly. Thank God for that. Because the other choice is not one I want. I want to feel the warmth and love of my Heavenly Father. One that cared back then, and one who cares now. One who knows the amount of hairs on my head. Have to be honest .. they are a lot less then when I was younger. LOL But tonight or when you read this.. know there is some one who bore all the sorrow we have ever known or will ever know. He is the rock, and a very present help in life.
Maybe now the rest that has eluded me will finally come. I think I will head to sleep. To rest in Him the Author and Finisher of my faith. The reason I live and breath and have Hope.
Faith isn't the ability to
believe long and far into the misty future. It's simply taking God at His Word and taking the
next step. ~Joni Erickson Tada
Childlike faith focuses on our
Heavenly Father - not on our fears.
Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark. ~George Iles
Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope. ~Author Unknown
You have rest in Jesus. Have peace dear sister, sometimes the Lord allows us to remember things so He can purge us of it once and for all. I pray you are able to sleep, really sleep, for the first time.
ReplyDeleteI pray you have peace. Peace to sleep, peace in your life
ReplyDelete*hugs*deb