That's What Friends Are For...

So I was thinking about my friends today. I can't begin to explain what they mean to me. I have family but they have never really been there for me. So as a result they don't know me. They can't understand the struggles I face or the dilemmas of being me.

Yes my family understands to some degree who I am because I believe that we are who we are in part because of they life we have had. It is our choice to live good or bad. To take life and be the change we want to be. For that reason my family knows "me" But they dont really know the "me" I have become.

My friends on the other hand get it. I can call them and talk to them about my life. What I feel and they get it. Because they have a vested interest in me. In who I am and why I am feeling what I feel and why I get upset or where my joy comes from .. which BTW it is only through Jesus I have any joy. 

When my girls were little I tried very hard to instill in them that family was and always will be important. That I would be there for them, that I would always help them when I could. Somewhere along the lines that line has become very blurry. In some cases I feel let down by the lack of family they care about, and the abundance of non family they do.

In my case it was and is different. I never had that deep sense of family. The knowing my mother would be there or my father, for that matter that I could call one of my siblings and talk like we cared about each other. But its not how I raised my children. So when they do foolish things and make each other upset about things they can control it upsets me.

So when I was thinking about this maybe the thing I really want is for them to see each other as something more. As being there for each other. Having a relationship that takes commitment, stamina, understanding, love and knowing they can count on you.

To all my friends ..and my children and grandchildren.. this is for you ..

That's What Friends Are For

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try to feel
The way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you

Whoa, and then for the times when we're apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
These words are comin' from my heart
And then if you can remember, oh

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
Oh, that's what friends are for

Whoa... oh... oh... keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, oh, for sure
'Cause I tell you that's what friends are for
For good times and for bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for (That's what friends are for)

On me, for sure
That's what friends are for
Keep smilin', keep shinin'

As The Twig Is Bent

This is one of my favorite poems ever. I know I have felt this. I hope my children never have. 

AS THE TWIG IS BENT

 ~ author unknown
 

The child stood sadly looking down,
Staring at something on the ground.
Her mother's words were harsh and sharp;
She felt them tearing her apart.

 

The silent tears rolled down her cheek,
But still she stood, mute and meek.
She knew somehow she was rejected,
Although physically, she was not neglected.

 

She wasn't yet in her teens,
Just a tomboy, in blue jeans.
She had learned to live with pain;
Throughout her days, it would remain.

 

Again her mind wondered, "Why?"
Perhaps she'd know, by and by.
There must be something awfully wrong,
She guessed she'd known it all along.

 

Maybe it was her own plain looks,
She'd read of it in some books.
How to a mother of unusual beauty,
Her plain child might be an unwanted duty.

 

But her mother was so fair,
If there was any trouble there,
The fault must surely be her own,
Oh, how she wished that she was grown.

 

Then she would go away and hide,
While her heart just ached and cried.
Finally the hurting words had ceased,
>From their cruel blows she was released.

 

So she turned and walked away,
She knew better than to stay.
In her room she closed her door,
And cried 'till she could cry no more.

 

Then she prepared herself for bed,
Washed her face, with eyes so red.
She wished her Mom would hug her tight.
And, just once, kiss her goodnight.

 

At last she crawled into her bed;
Silently, her prayers were said.
"Please, Lord, just let Mom love me,
And, oh, so good I'll always be."

 

The years have passed, the scene has changed,
Mother and daughter still remain.
The mother now is growing old,
The child, once warm, has grown so cold.

 

Somehow, the roles are now reversed,
The mother's last, The daughter's first,
The beauty, too, has been exchanged.
It seems that nature rearranged.

 

The child, now grown, has beauty fair,
There is none other to compare,
While the mother has grown old and gray,
Her loveliness has passed away.

 

The mother looks up at her, now grown, child,
And tries to please her, with a smile.
But the daughter coldly turns away,
She's much too busy to stop today.

 

Let the old lady sit awhile,
She's not about to change her style.
She walks out, with no good-bye,
And the old mother starts to cry.

 

Oh, if she could only just erase,
The coldness from her daughter's face.
If she'd just come and hug her tight,
And kiss her withered face goodnight.

 

If those lost years she could recall,
She'd live them over, one and all.
She'd give the love, she now so longs to get,
And then be rid of this regret.

 

But she knows, this can't be so.
Years don't come back, once they go.
So she must live with being spurned,
The things she taught, were so well learned.

 

So I leave you, with this thought:
Please take heed, least you get caught.
Live long enough and you will see,
As the twig is bent, so grows the tree.

Do Over!!

Do you ever wish you could have a do over? Like when you were a kid and you messed up really bad. If you could go back and erase the things you did wrong would you? If you could erase the pain inflicted on you by others would you?

I ask this because I don't think I would. You see the bad things in my past do not make me who I am today. Instead they keep me where I want to go. The past for me is in the past. While I live it, and sometimes revert back I don't live there. It does not comfort me. It gives me insight into the woman I have become. Without the trials, and things I have lived through I would not be me.

Now I have to say sometimes like Kermit sang "It's not easy being green." I would like to rephrase that to be its not easy being me. I make mistakes, I mess up. I did then and I do now. I look myself in the mirror and see someone I didn't know lived inside of me. While life was not easy and still isn't sometimes I still am alive. I still breathe. I still love, cry, sing, and try. I still exist in spite of the life I was dealt if you want to call it that.

My parent's made many mistakes, but in those mistakes I became me. I wouldn't want to be that child now. Sometimes I don't want to be that adult. I live, and love. I try to be someone that I wasn't exposed to a lot. I think about others, sometimes my children would say to much. I love kids. I love to see them smile, and laugh and know that you care about them. That even small things mean something to you.

Today one of the kids I know broke a piece off of a fluff ball. Its this weird, squishy thing that has these soft things that dangle all over it. He was sad and upset and asked if I could fix it. I could not. It wasn't fixable but you are. I am. We are. We can not go back and fix things and have a do over. But we can fix things and move on. We can still work without all of the dangly things we have inside of us. Sometimes while we see those things as something we need we really don't those things when gone will not be needed. We can lose some of them and still be okay. Life doesn't have do overs. We can't be like the computer and hit the redo button.

Once things are out they are out. If you mess up you can fix it. You can make it right on your end but it may not change. Then you have to accept that it's okay. At the end of the day ... it won't matter if you had a do over or not because the sun will still set, and the sun will rise the next day.

Just do the best you can. Be who you are, and if you don't know who that is, find out and then accept it. Be on the look out for you. Hey I am over 50 and sometimes I still don't know who I am. But I know there is not a do over. So I press on. I glance back but keep my eyes on the future. 

ARTIST: Muppets
TITLE: It's Not Easy Being Green
Lyrics

It's not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold
Or something much more colorful like that

It's not easy being green
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're
Not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
Or stars in the sky

But green's the color of Spring
And green can be cool and friendly-like
And green can be big like an ocean, or important
Like a mountain, or tall like a tree

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why
Wonder, I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful
And I think it's what I want to be   

JOY Comes In The Morning

Psalms 30:5 (New King James Version) reads;

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.

My last blog I wrote about having a hard time sleeping. That is true for me. I do have a hard time sleeping. There have been many times when I struggle with maybe its something I could have changed, or done better. Was I a good enough daughter? Did I love my parents enough? I knew scripture growing up and it was something I used to get me thru hard times, but it also sometimes made me think I would never be enough. From my view as a child, and one who had many sorrows I wondered if I was good enough, happy enough, obedient enough, loving enough.. and the list goes on and on. 

When the nights were long and lonely, and I was afraid of my life, of what I would do or who I would become.. I would ponder things I learned in that Lutheran Church, and later the Nazarene Church. I often wondered if I would ever be happy, or if my life would never have a sense of enough. Of feeling full. Full in the Lord perhaps .. or accepted within my own family. The older I get the more I know that you can never be enough. You can have enough but you alone will never be enough. You are not made to be enough. We are not complete unless we have Jesus to make us that way. 

This first part of this scripture I held on to because I related to my father being angry a lot. His anger was not for a moment but since its all I knew its the only way I was able to relate to a father. The second part where it says his favor is for life well I didn't know if I would ever be able to find his favor in his eyes. I tried, but no matter what I did it was not enough. I wasn't good enough at anything. The gifts I thought I had he didn't think were anything and so I doubted everything and everyone in my life. I couldn't trust anyone. It was dark for me. Dark knowing that I wasn't ever enough. Knowing I could never find his favor. 

The second part is more important to me because I could make it in the dark of night. Weeping endures for a night, (yes it did and still does). But after the night comes the newness of the morning. A chance to see new things. To find love and life in a new day. This is what I want for my family and friends. The knowing fact that although we may weep in the night (or a short time), JOY will come in the morning. It will come. I have learned that JOY isn't about putting on a smile and faking it until you make it. It's about a JOY in you. One that says there is hope .. there is a reality that the bigger picture is My Father God will find favor for life in me. I am not to a point where I fully grasp that. I am at a point where I know its true though.

So may you find favor in the life we have in Christ, may you know that while there is weeping JOY will come. God Bless You as you seek him and find a Father who loves you so much he gave you his Son... 

How Do You Live Your Dash

How Do You Live Your Dash
by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning ... to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears.
But he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matter not how much we own;
the cars ... the house ... the cash.
What matters is how we live and love ...
and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;
are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real ...
And always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more.
And love the people in our lives ...
like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile ...
Remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read ...
With your life's actions to rehash ...
Would you be proud of the things they say ...
About how you spent your dash?

Just something to think about. 

May you have a Blessed Easter!

Gotta Have Hope

There are many nights I can't or don't sleep. This is one of them. I am not sure when that started. For as long as I can remember I have slept with my normal of 3-4 hours. If I am sick I will sleep more. Sometimes I will sleep longer. I am a light sleeper for the most part too.

I think it could be the way my life was when I was younger. When there always seemed to be so much turmoil. My head couldn't rest. Worried that we would have to leave in the middle of the night, or that we would be made to wake up and watch or hear what was being said or done to my mother. The fear was a very real thing to me as a child. I honestly am not sure I felt safe. Can't say that I felt secure and happy much. More like just thought it was normal. That it was a normal thing to have so little sleep and security.

Seems odd I know but I think that even when we were awakened for something that might be considered good it was not really a healthy thing. I do remember when my father would come home from a horse or dog race and he won big. He would wake all of us up and take us out to breakfast.. even at two or three in the morning. Was this a normal thing for others? I doubt it.

There would be times when he got us up for tragic things too. Like if we did not do what he expected us to do. I hope when my girls think back about life in my home that the memories they have of unexpected moments in time will not be ones that cause them distress. For that was never my intention. I have done some zany things with them. I used to wake them up at one minute after midnight on their birthdays to say I love you and Happy Birthday. I really don't know if they even remember those times.

Other times I did get them up early .. to go to breakfast. Or to go somewhere. I loved traveling early with them. In the stillness of the night.. or rather early morning. It was and still is such a peaceful time for me. It's when I can't fall asleep that its restless. Like tonight.When sleep eludes me its because I feel stressed out, worried, or maybe even overwhelmed. These are the nights when I just need to write or cry, or think, or pray.

Sometimes these nights cause me to go to the dark places I have lived through. Things that I have pushed away and hidden because they are painful. I don't like living in the past. I don't like reliving the sorrow. I prefer when I can't sleep to think about the good things in my life. The many times when I coulda, shoulda, woulda lived differently but in spite of me.. God got me through those times. This is the path I want .. the path of life not of death. Of everlasting love, hope and security not pain, sorrow, and despair.

So not tonight once again I am reminded that he has come to give me life and give it more abundantly. Thank God for that. Because the other choice is not one I want. I want to feel the warmth and love of my Heavenly Father. One that cared back then, and one who cares now. One who knows the amount of hairs on my head. Have to be honest .. they are a lot less then when I was younger. LOL But tonight or when you read this.. know there is some one who bore all the sorrow we have ever known or will ever know. He is the rock, and a very present help in life.

Maybe now the rest that has eluded me will finally come. I think I will head to sleep. To rest in Him the Author and Finisher of my faith. The reason I live and breath and have Hope.

Faith isn't the ability to believe long and far into the misty future.  It's  simply taking God at His Word and taking the next step. ~Joni Erickson Tada                                                

Childlike faith focuses on our Heavenly Father - not on our fears.

Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.  ~George Iles

Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope.  ~Author Unknown
 

Siblings Love Or Not ...

My family was a large family. There were seven of us kids. We are all about a year apart. I can not imagine the expense and the struggles it was for my parents. I had two older brothers, two older sisters, and two younger sisters. Out of the seven of us three graduated from High School. I know one more got a GED.. to be honest I have no idea about the others. As I have already mentioned.. we are not close. Some of that is by choice but a lot is because we never have been and I don't think we ever will be.

My father was a drinker and a smoker. My mother was not. When we were younger I can remember going with my parents to some bar(s). It was allowed then. My father would sit with his buddies and drink 7 & 7. He would drink and then be smashed and I am not sure how we made it home. My mother did not drive until my brother was in High School. At the bar we played pool and arcade games while they drank. When he drank I don't think he was ever nice. When he was not drunk .. I think he was some what nicer. However he drank more then he didn't. He gambled a lot. If it wasn't the dogs it was the horses. We went sometimes with him. I can't remember if my mom was there.

In my mind is a dresser. Some of the drawers are full and overflowing, some are sealed shut stuck and cant or wont open, some are always open because I am using them, some are partially open when I need something I can reach in and get it. But this dresser is my life. The memories I choice to open up or keep closed. Some are fuzzy with time, some are clearer with age. But this dresser is one that I hope to open enough to share with you. The life I have, the life I had, and the one I always wished I had.

The reason I say this is because sometimes I go back and forth. If I am talking to you and remember certain things I want to write about them at that point. Some I want to never share, maybe I am ashamed or scared to open them up. No matter what you should know that I love you. That I want you and always will be here for you. No one ever deserves to know or feel that they don't have some one in their corner. You need to know  there is someone who will go to bat for you. If ever you read something know this .. I will always answer truthfully. I think its very important for you to know. Now that doesn't mean I will tell you everything, it means I will tell you the truth .. it may mean the truth is I don't know, or I am not ready to tell you or talk to you about that. So ask questions. You should know enough to know who I am, who I was, and how I got to this place.

I love you. That is something I never get tired of telling you.

Innocence Lost©3/2000 

By Dawn S. Crane

I want to go back to innocence
back to when I saw things as a child
I want to look thru their eyes
look at the world with innocence

I want to have a different perception
a perception that you are you
I want to be someone important
someone who matters to herself

 I miss the days of innocence
the innocence of hot summer days
I miss snowy winter days of old
snow angels and snowmen too

 I miss experiencing life first hand
life without prejudices and shame
I miss seeing life in a positive way
positive more then negative today

 I long for the sunshine to cure the blues
sunshine to warm the soul and body too
I long for hugs when they were free
hugs that were just because i was me

Writing is Expressing The Words of the Heart

For as long as I can remember I have loved to read and loved to write. I had a lot of teachers who encouraged me to write. I honestly don't know if I was any good but it helped me to write about life. When I was younger I didn't write so much about my life but more about things. It kept it easy for me. I could hide behind the words and not let anyone see the way I was really hurting.

I like to look at writing like it is the words of the heart. As a child I enjoyed books to escape and writing was also a way of escaping. It was a thing I could make myself do. Leave my pain behind and write about stuff. I still have the first poem I ever wrote for my mother. I cherish it because of what it says, even though it really doesn't make much sense.

My parents had us go to church on Sundays. We went to a church that was right across from the park. I enjoyed going there. Maybe it was because I didn't feel small, or insignificant. Perhaps it was because I knew that it meant there was a God who loved me no matter what. My siblings didn't care for church much. But I didn't care. I loved the way Jesus told stories. Some how they meant so much to me. To know that he talked in parables. What a cool way to learn stuff. I also loved the Old Testament stories. David and Goliath, Ruth and Boaz, Queen Esther (For such a time as this), Joseph, Noah and the Ark with the promise of a rainbow. I loved to read the Psalms and the Proverbs. I still do. They are comforting. Help when you need it and acceptance from some one who paid it all.

When I was in grade school, my parents fought a lot. Well the truth is all of the time. I have very few memories of them not fighting. Some fights were physical, and some mental. But they all were painful. At some point we stopped going to the church that my parents took us to, and I met a man who was doing a bus ministry for a different kind of church. He would bring these books for me to read. They were kind of like a comic book but I liked them. My mom said that I could go if my father would let me. Well he did. I rode that bus every Sunday. I loved that place. The people there cared about me, about how I was, about the things that should matter to a kid. I felt accepted again. But never at home. Home was not really a home but a place I had to stay because I was a kid.

While going to this church, my school class was writing stories to act. It was really fun. One of my friends and I wrote stuff a lot. Our class wrote songs and plays, and we got to act them out. A highlight of my life as a child. I don't think I was much of an actress but I loved the written word. My Sunday School teacher found out I was working on stuff like that at school and she asked me if I wanted to try to write a play for our Sunday School class. I did. It was about The Great Physician. I still have a copy of that and it is one of my most treasured possessions. At church I was maybe who I could have been had I had a family that I felt loved in. Just like at school that acceptance from others was and is something that helped me to become who I am today. Just like the feelings of not belonging fuels who I have become.


Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying,
"I will try again tomorrow." - Mary Anne Radmacher


Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.  - St. Francis of Assisi


We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how to respond to them.
- Epictetus 

Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
- Marilyn vos Savant 


Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
- Joseph Campbell

The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.
- Brian Tracy

Birthday Memories

Birthdays are something I have very few good memories of as a child. First off I think because of my families finances. We were a big family and although I am not sure what my parent's income was I know we didn't have much extra money. Between my father drinking as much as he did, and his gambling .. there was not a lot of money that I know of.

My mother made a lot of our clothes. She was a fantastic seamstress. I remember her making jeans for all seven of us kids in one day. I was so shocked. She made our school clothes and dresses.. at least some of them. She had this big trunk full of buttons and fabrics and zippers. I loved looking in there. It was a smorgasbord of things.

So if any of us got new clothes when we were younger I don't really remember that. My mother did a lot of things. She could cook. I never learned from her though, she never taught us to cook. But she made our cakes, and special occasion dinners, and desserts. She also canned and had a garden. These are things that are becoming less and less common.

My birthday is in January. So I think in my own minds eye I reconciled myself to the fact that my birthday would always be less. After all in December we had my sister's birthday, my brother's birthday, my father's birthday, and Christmas. That was a lot for any family let alone such a large family like ours. I am thinking I may have had some birthday parties when I was younger but I only remember the one I shared before.

I do remember one year that I got some birthday money. I am not sure who it was from but I was so excited and my father was going to take me to the store to spend the money. I was going with him and my mother. If anyone else went I don't know. So when my father got home .. it was raining. He was not happy and he was upset with the weather. The whole way to the store he complained about taking me or having to take me to spend my money. He was speeding and got pulled over and got a ticket. He was furious. He blamed me .. I was nine.

Looking back now I know it wasn't my fault. But then, I thought it was. He made it very clear that I was not really worth the ticket and that if he hadn't had to go out then it would not have happened. My mother sat there. I know why. It's because of the fear and wrath of my father.

We did make it to the store. I bought a Dawn doll. It was all the rage then. So I am thinking I was nine. I also got the Dawn doll stage. I loved that thing. Perhaps because it we shared a name. I can't think of any other reason since I don't remember playing with dolls much. I was more of a reader.

That birthday I will always remember. It really is the one in my mind's eye that made me not like birthdays. They were not anything special. Maybe reading books I had this idea of what it should be like to celebrate a birthday. And it was not anything like that in real life for me. I did decide though that should I ever have kids they would have a special day. That they would be celebrated. And years later when I became an adult I sent my mom a card on my birthday. One to tell her I loved her. I did that for several years.

Here are a few pictures I found online of Dawn Dolls and the stage. My hair was about this color when I was younger. LOL. But I never looked this good.

Bitter are the tears of a child: Sweeten them. Deep are the thoughts of a child: Quiet them.
Sharp is the grief of a child: Take it from him. Soft is the heart of a child: Do not harden it.Pamela Glenconner

 "You have to love your children unselfishly. That is hard. But it is the only way." 
Barbara Bush

"A person's a person, no matter how small."
Dr Suess

So Tell Me..

So tell me something? Did you ever crave someones attention so much? I did. I craved my parents. I never felt like I had it really. I did well in school, I was obedient. I for the most part was a good kid. Never got in trouble .. loved my parents or maybe it was that I tried to do whatever I could for them to love me. To show me what that meant. It was scary ... life wasn't easy at all.

We moved so much, and we never had stability that I remember. But I think those things helped drive me to be who I am now. It showed me who I didn't want to become either. I truly never wanted children because I had a fear that I had no idea how to love or be loved, and I didn't want them to ever feel the way I felt. Still do sometimes. What you do to your children can have a life long lasting effect on them. It can stunt them in so many ways.

About this time my father was selling cars. I loved going to his car lot because it was cool. If we helped we got to have a soda from the machine. He called his business 30/30. His motto was 30 days or 30 miles .. that is all he would guarantee his sales for. When my father was working it seemed that he had a different idea about his children. I am not sure it was much different but maybe my memories are fuzzy with time. I really am not sure I would have called him a good provider though.

My family did some things that typical families did then .. go to Lakeside Amusement Park and Elitches. We went to different places. He took us to Tiny Town. I loved that place. I don't have a lot of good memories of my father but there are a few that stick out. It was a winter break and again a spring break. But we went to this friends house of his or my mothers.. anyway it was a fun place. We went sledding in the winter right from their back yard. We had hot cocoa and laughed a lot. I don't remember much but that the sledding was really fun. There was no yelling or fighting just fun. Everyone got along. Then the spring one we went to the same place .. there we gathered eggs from the chickens. Now we were from the city and had never been around them. I am not sure how old I was but I don't think it was older then 10. They told my sister and I all you do is shoo the chickens from the pen? and get the eggs. What we didn't know was that we shouldn't leave the gate to the pen open. So as we were getting the eggs the hens were leaving the coop. Then we had to chase them back in. What a site that was. LOL. Us city kids trying to chase chickens into a small place.. Its one of the good memories I have. So I cherish it and think of it fondly.

We do not remember days; we remember moments.  ~Cesare Pavese

We must always have old memories and young hopes. ~ Arsene Houssaye

Do I Belong?

So then it was a lonely existence at home. Never really belonging and yet never sure I wanted to. My life was sad at home. We didn't care about each other much or if we did it was not like what I read about. It was stressful. My home life didn't improve. In fact when my father was around it was a harsh life. He was a strict parent. Birthdays were not really fun. Although my mother did make cake and do parties when she could. It seemed as though we were all really alone. Kind of like our own country.

If something happened out our house my father took to the willow branch. It was sometimes a lot of spanks, and you didn't forget the pain. I don't remember that we were allowed to express much in the way of feelings. This is when I started to hold things in my heart. I do remember my siblings always saying I was tenderhearted except they changed it to something else. It was not a nice thing.

My life it seemed would be destined to be lonely and isolated. That's what I always felt at home. Not at school. We had something at home that we called Saturday at the fights. That was the place where you were allowed to express the feelings ... it was fighting each other. So mainly the emotions were raw, hurtful, and angry. I knew in my heart that it wouldn't solve anything so I have very few memories of fighting back. I mainly took the beat downs and tried to live through the pain.

I do remember other things about that time too. Like we went to a Lutheran Church. I loved Church. It was fun to hear bible stories. I think my favorite ones were David and Goliath and about Ruth. I dreamed that someday I would be like both of them. Being able to not be a victim of life but being a survivor and then an overcomer. I didn't miss much church it was another outlet for me to live my life and be who I was. I think this is when I started turning to God. To thinking that he was out there and he cared about me.

While at home it was always stressful and harsh church and school were carefree places for me to be. I still used books to be in a different place. Memories get clouded with time but you know I think about the times my father would be so drunk he would kick us out of "his house". My mom who didn't have a driver's license or car would call some one and we would go there for the night. Then she and my father would make up and we would go back. It was a pattern of love and hate between them. One that is not healthy for any child to be around.

It got where we would sometimes sleep with clothes on and jackets as when he told us to leave we could only take what we had on. The rest belonged to him since he had bought it. Scary for a kid. My mom did her best and I think it that time of growing up it was what you did. You didn't get a divorce. You stayed together. No matter what. The holidays were like that too. I remember one Christmas the church brought over presents for all of us seven kids and when my father found out my mom had to call them and have them come get them. He wouldn't take charity from anyone. It was life. It was reality but it was, what it was.


I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.  -- Agatha Christie 


If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.  -- Frank Clark

This scripture is one that I love. It means so much to me. When darkness surrounds me, when I feel like giving up and I have and will... I try to remember this. For he does have a plan.. 

Jeremiah 29:11 - 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'

One of my favorite songs growing up.. I feel like this really fit my life and my family. Still does sometimes.

Simon And Garfunkel I Am A Rock Lyrics

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries. 

Life as I knew it

While I was doing well in school, life at home was not so great. It had to be hard on my mother as she didn't drive and didn't work outside of the home. My father did. He worked a lot of different jobs and I can't remember at what time he finally started his own business. But he drank a lot. His drink of choice 7 & 7.

He also gambled a lot. Betting on horses and the dogs. I don't know if I remember him sober much, but I do remember him always drinking. He was a mean drunk. I loved my father but I didn't like what he did. My siblings and I all suffered at his hands but my mother suffered a lot too. He abused my mother physically, emotionally, and financially. He used his money to do what he wanted and that usually wasn't taking care of us.

It was to do what he wanted not take care of his family. I was young so while I can not say that he totally provided we did have a place to live. Now that I am older I know that the times my mother made it seem fun for us were actual times that he had either gone on a binge or gambled away the money for paying bills and other things we may have needed.

When I was little I remember a few times when we would be getting ready for dinner and bed and we had no lights.. but my mother used candles. She told us it was a special night. Looking back I know we had no lights, my mom was very good at taking some of the bad things and making us not know how bad it really was. I am hopeful that I have passed this on to my own children. For when times are tough you have to protect your children as best as you can. It is not their issue to worry about utilities, or rent, or food. It's ours. We must protect them. Love them, and give them HOPE. They need to trust that we will take care of them no matter what, in good or bad.

I don't know when my father got diabetes but I always remember him giving himself shots. Sometimes we had to give him the shots. I didn't like it. Between the drinking and the shots .. well anyway lets say he was a selfish man. My mother always fixed him the best kind of foods. I think he made her. We sometimes didn't have food, because he "needed" his steak or whatever he wanted. He also was mean to my mother. One of the memories I have .. now it may be just my perception but I remember him beating my mother with a pan. This was because she did not fix his eggs the way he wanted. We had to watch. We watched many times as this played over and over. I will never forget those memories. They have dulled over the years but they are a constant reminder to me of my past. Of what I never want to do.

There are a few memories I have of my father that were good. He was a funny man when he wanted to be. He told jokes and he could make you laugh. But these memories are not as vivid. I try to focus on those times though because the minute you focus on bad things your life is filled with things that give credit to becoming that way. I instead chose life. I chose caring, and love.

Philippians 4:8

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁸ Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 

"life is a choice - as is how you handle the pitfalls along its bumpy road." Julie Donner Andersen

"Let your life mean something. Become an inspiration to others so that they may try to do more and to become more than they are today."
~Thomas D. Willhite~

I hope to be that. An inspiration. A person that thinks on the good and doesn't focus on the bad. I admit sometimes it is a struggle but I will keep working on it. Thank you for reading I hope to inspire you to move on or to keep on keeping on..

 

Grade School - Happy Memories at School

I loved school. Seemed that the teachers always cared more about me then what I ever felt at home. This was true for me all my school years. I was more quiet and reserved when I was a child. Even at school. I had a great many teachers who I loved and who always went the extra mile to encourage me. When I think back I remember not just the teachers but also the music and art teachers, and even some of the teacher and lunchroom aides.


 I think I recall going to so many different schools when I was young that we didn't have the same friends. Our friends were blessed they stayed at the same schools but not my family. I don't remember the age but I do clearly remember that I was at one school for a very short time.. maybe a month? Kid's were cruel to my family. Or maybe it was me because I was quiet. I was a different kind of quiet when I was at school then at home. At home I was like a nobody. Never felt loved much, nor really cared about. But at school the teacher's made me feel like I could do anything. Become somebody.

 Some of my earliest memories are of thinking I never wanted children because I wasn't sure I would or could be capable of love. Since I had so few examples to learn from. Affection was not something I remember much of at our house. Not giving or getting. I guess I didn't have a good grasp on what love was. I don't know if I was a good friend or sister growing up. I honestly have so few memories that are not locked inside or hidden that its hard for me to know.

 I told you about the first teacher I remember. I also remember Mrs. Fink. She was either my third or fourth grade teacher. But she loved Anthropology. I remember doing digs. Now I am not sure we really dug.. LOL but I do remember thinking how fun that would be to go out and find things that no one had found before. I kept thinking that maybe I could do that. But of course I don't really like the heat and I am not sure I really wanted it or that I did because my teacher invested in me. She was a good teacher. I learned from her that you cant be afraid to dig in to someone's life and reach out to them and find the things that make them tick. Things that they may not even know exist. When you have an opportunity to "teach" some one it will have an everlasting impact on them. You can make it be good or bad. It's a choice and a chance to change a life.


 So teach your children well..  

A teacher affects eternity: he can never tell where his influence stops. Henry Adams  

The most effective teacher will always be biased, for the chief force in teaching is confidence and enthusiasm. Joyce Cary

 Teaching is not a lost art, but the regard for it is a lost tradition. Jacques Barzun

My Early Years

So I think I was about 4 when I started reading. I loved to read. It took me to places where I didn't have to hurt. Where I was happy. I didn't have much happiness when I was a child. My family like many others was highly dysfunctional. Poor boundaries and lots of hurting going on. I have very few good memories of when I was a child.

I wonder why we can't always recall the memories good and bad but I tend to think that it may be a good thing .. if we remembered everything then we may not be able to move forward. Of course you can get stuck .. stuck in a place that isn't happy or healthy. Going to school was great for me. I seemed to thrive there. It wasn't hard. I loved learning and feeling like I was important. I didn't get much of that when I was a kid.

At school though I was teacher's pet. I didn't care what the other kids thought because I so craved an adult telling me I was doing a good job, that I was smart or whatever. I had some teachers in Elementary school that made an impact on me. One was my 2nd grade teacher. Her name was Mrs. Solomon. She was stern but caring. At one point I thought I might want to be a teacher, and it was because of her. She made school fun. Her daughter and I were good friends and enjoyed each other a lot.

While I have other memories of not so good things this is one that is imprinted on my mind. You see I truly believe that you can make a difference. She did. She was a teacher I still hope to find and reconnect with someday. There are times I dreamed she would find me and take me to her house and raise me. So I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. This was especially true after my birthday that her daughter Karen came to.

My father was not a nice man when he drank. I have said that before. But he was not always nice when he wasn't drinking either. Anyway at this party, he came home and I think he had been drinking but I can't be sure, as life as blurred some of the details. When he came home and realized that my friend was there, and she was not white, let's just say I truly understood shame at that point. He was horrible. I was sick to my stomach from the things he said. I didn't know if I could ever go back to school after that.

Good thing my teacher didn't hold what he said against me. When I look back I think the things he said helped me to realize that the color of someone's skin has very little to do with who they are. It also taught me that there are people who care but do not always know how to help. A few days after this I think is the first time I tried to run away. Of course at that age where do you run? Eventually I came home and back to the life I felt I would never leave.

So teachers, just know that you do have a big impact for good on a child. You can help a child by the way you treat or don't treat them. For that matter, anyone out there can make a difference. Sometimes its a simple smile, or a shrug. Or it may be that you should do more. But whatever you do .. the biggest thing is to let some one know you CARE.


In teaching you cannot see the fruit of a day's work. It is invisible and remains so, maybe for twenty years. ~Jacques Barzun

What a teacher writes on the blackboard of life can never be erased. ~Author Unknown

A truly special teacher is very wise, and sees tomorrow in every child's eyes. ~Author Unknown

Who I Am

So I have shared a little bit about some of the influential people in my life. And I will be doing more of that but today I am going to tell you a little about me ..

I was born in January of 1961, in Denver, Colorado. I was the 5th child of my parents. My parents had 2 boys and 5 girls. I am in the middle of the girls but not all of the children. My parents were not from Colorado. But that is where I was raised.

I am just learning more about my family. My father had 3 sisters. All of who are deceased. My father also is gone. My fathers mother Dena was a wonderful Gramma. She loved her children and grandchildren. I don't really know a lot about her as she died while I was still a child. But I loved to go to her house. She would take me to the 5 & 10 and I could spend money she gave me. She colored with me. I still have a color book that she bought me. Her bed was comfortable and she had the most beautiful long white hair, which she always put up in a bun. I remember the first time I ever saw it down.. I was so amazed that is was so long. She was a really good Gramma. She loved me, and I loved her. I was blessed she lived in Denver and we got to see her when we did. My aunts and my father will be another blog sometime.

My mother was one of five children. I am learning more about her every year. But she had an older brother whom I don't think I ever met, two younger sister's and a younger brother. My mother passed away too. My mom's mom was a special lady to me. While no one really cared for my Gramma Earlyne I loved her. She always talked to me and read with me .. she tried to teach me to knit (but that was not happening). LOL. My Gramma lived in California. I never got to go there to see her but she did come to Denver a few times. I can't be certain how many but it was enough for me to remember her and love her. I will be sharing more about her another time too.

So I had a big family growing up. It was not a good family though. It was rough. We didn't get along very often and it was a abusive way to live. My father was an alcoholic. It is the reason I don't drink. My mother had all of those children and we are all around a year apart. It wasn't an easy life for her. But as I am learning it was never an easy life when she was growing up either. My father was in the Navy. While I still don't know a lot about it.. I know that when he was stationed in San Francisco, California that is when he met my mother.

My father held many jobs while I was a child. He also got diabetes at some point. I can't tell you when it was but I don't remember him not giving himself shots. My mother did the best she could with what she had to work with. She didn't work outside of the home for a long time. Now that I am an adult I look back and see when there were things my mother did to make us not see how bad it really was. She was a good mom. From her I learned that when its a hard life you make it better for your children and you don't need to let them know how bad it really is.

I learned to read when I was very young. I loved reading. Reading was an escape for me. My favorite books were the Happy Hollisters. If you don't know about them they were mystery books. I have a few in my collection. Whenever I was sad, or lonely or many other things I would find myself in a book .. in another place in my life. A happy place where I was loved and cared for. That is not something I felt most of my life. I still struggle with that. But you know what? I am loved and cared for by the most important person who ever lived. Jesus Christ. My value is in Him and because of Him.

This is long and I do apologize. To be honest I really want to do this for my children and grandchildren and to show others that you don't have to be a victim of life but you can be a survivor and one who has a purpose to exist.

Some of my best friends.. Rebecca, Tina, and Debbie

I have had a lot of friends, still do. But there are a few who always have had my back so to speak. These friends love me for me. If I was anything else I think we would still be friends. I can not talk to them for awhile and when we get back together its like we were never apart. I am proud to know these ladies. They have been so good to me. They have loved me when I couldn't love myself, they have cared when I didn't want to, they have trusted me when I knew I couldn't trust myself. To these friends I want to say thank you for loving me when I am not always the most lovable. Thank you for being you and keeping a friendship with me.

Rebecca I met you when I was in high school. I was a sophomore and you were a senior. We were in a club together. While I am not sure the details of how we became so close I am sure of the why. You are such a huge inspiration to me and for me. You who had breast cancer and survived. You who helped me to laugh and cry and know I wouldn't fall apart if I did. You who taught me to drive, and to know some one would always care about me. Word's cant ever express the love I have for you.

We have been friends for over 30 years now. I have named one of my daughters after you. You got me through some of the darkest days in my life. When I didn't and couldn't trust anyone .. you showed me trust. You helped me walk through a door that I never, ever wanted opened again. One that held my heart. One that was shut, locked, and forever blocked with cement. But your loving friendship, and heart, and happiness gave me hope that my life was worth something. Even though I sometimes still struggle with that .. you are the one I call when I need a laugh, or a hard cry. One that I can still go to and you will never judge me. One who has this ability to see through what I am saying and what I need to or really want to say.

I think you may know me better then anyone ever has. Because of you.. I have a lasting impression of friendship. For you are a rose that blooms year round. Never dying and always of value and a sweet smell of love. A song that gets stuck in my heart and doesn't need to go away. Thank you for being a friend!

The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch with, never saying a word, and walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you've had. ~Author Unknown

Tina we met when our oldest girls were very young. We have shared many things over the years. Our children and their lives, and now their children (our grandchildren). The Wyoming wind, and weather. Hospital stays, poor days, and gloomy rays. You have helped me when I was so frustrated and felt so alone. The things I have never said thank - you for. I hope my children and grandchildren see you and the friendship we have as everlasting. One that endures in spite of life and the hard things that happen. You have always been willing to be an ear and an arm for helping. You have been the voice of reason for me.

Because of our similar beliefs we have a strong connection. A sister friendship and love between us. I share things with you that I know will never go any farther. We have shared birthdays, dinners, holidays, and lots of breakfasts. I cherish the times we are together and without our children, or grandchildren. Seems that those times are not so often and that's why they are so precious to me. When I doubt you remind me that I have a friend who I can always rely on. That he sticks closer then a brother and will never leave me or disappoint me. That he wont ever walk away from me.. I need that reminder. It gives me hope when I feel hopeless.

How do you teach your children that good friends are there sometimes, but great friends walk beside you and never lose sight of you? This is the kind of friendship we have. Its one that I sometimes take advantage of, but that I never want to forget. Thank you for being a fragrance in this smelly world that we live in. Thank you for being a reminder of the bigger picture.

A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails. ~Donna Roberts

Debbie is one of those kinds of people who always see the up in the upside down. One who truly cares and loves deeply. I never imagined that when we met on ebay that we would be as close as we are. I am forever grateful for your friendship. You helped me take some steps when I was so afraid. I think when you are hurt and feel alone its really hard to go through to the next round. But you helped me do that Deb. You still do.

I remember the first time we met. I was not afraid to drive to meet you in California. I was afraid of what you would think of me. I mean I was nervous. I know we had a back up plan. For that I am not even sure why. I knew when we would meet it would be like we had been friends forever and not like we didn't know each other. Meeting you was so cool, I know that's an outdated word but it really describes the friendship I feel with you. You are so thoughtful. When you made those care packages with M and sent them before we came so the girl's would have something to do on this long trip... that spoke volumes.

Going to Monteray with you and your kids, and my tag-a-longs as such an awesome experience. Seeing the beach and walking in the sand for the first time.. I am so glad its something we shared. I know that life has changed for both of us. And some of it isn't good but the memories we have will live on forever. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of the good times we have shared. When I leave I already start planning what it will be like when I come again. And when I am there I think how sad I will be to leave.

You accepted me as I am Deb. That's a huge thing. One that not many people do for others. You care and I want you to know I care. I can call you or text you at 3 in the morning. You listen. Someday .. we will have other good memories and the pain of all this past stuff will be but a distant memory. Let's continue to build our sand castle. The one that is meant to be. I love you Deb. I hope when people read about you they see that friendship may not start when you are younger but that it can feel that way. Ours does. I know we have talked about if we had been kids in the same town we would be friends I believe that. You are a remarkable, amazing woman and friend. Thank you Deb for all the things you have taught me about friendship. About life.

Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things. ~Author Unknown



So to me friendship is something that presents itself in many ways with others. But true friendship will withstand the hourglass of time. It will be there when life happens and when it doesn't. You can have friends that are important in your life for very different reasons. I do. While this doesn't talk about all of my close friends it sums up the different kinds of friends I have. They are all unique and all serve different areas of our lives. If you have a friend that you trust, that cares about you, you need to water that friendship. Step out of your comfort zone and reach out, don't be afraid to also let them reach out to you.



When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen

Aunt Carole

Good morning,

Today I was thinking and looking at the snow. We live in Wyoming where we do get snow but we also get wind. The wind can gust up to 75 mph. That makes it really cold. My grand children don't mind it so much. But I do. The older I get the more I don't care for the way the wind seems to go right thru me.

When I was little I remember growing up in Denver. I don't think the wind was as bad there. But funny how the older you get the memories seem to fade a little. Or we just know that life goes on, perhaps we no longer think about the cold, or the snow, or the wind. I think that is also like life. The older I get the more the bad memories seem to dull in my mind.
Of course they are still there. Some are triggered by a smell, or a color, or a picture, or could be anything. But as an adult I try to keep the bad memories in the back of my mind and instead remember the good ones. I have very few good memories as a child. But I do remember my Aunt Carole. She is my mother's youngest sister. I love her. She always seems to be there with a beautiful smile. She lives over 1000 miles away and a few years ago I was able to see her again.

I had only met her once before that was when I was 12. I kept in touch with her though. Sending her cards, pictures, notes.. I kept in contact with her as I had my children. I was so excited to see her in person again. I love how sometimes you can meet some one and know that they are some one you will always know or always want to know. I love how you can just have a conversation with them like they were there all along. Well today I want to say I love you Aunt Carole. Thank you for being you.

My Beautiful Sister Donna

So welcome to my first attempt at blogging. I wanted to try to create something to leave for my grandchildren and perhaps others who may be interested. I am not sure what I am doing but I will figure it out. That is one thing about me. I always do what I have to, to survive, or to get things done.
I love being a grandparent. Its so fulfilling. Its a lot different then being a parent. When you are a parent you are all trial and error. Hopefully the children you raise turn out to be well adjusted adults. That doesn't always happen but then it becomes their choice not yours. As I get older the things I am learning really are things that were taught me as a child or teenager by people I looked up to. Ones who cared enough about me to show me I mattered.

I didn't have that as a child. I mean I know my mom tried, but it wasn't easy. She was raising 7 children, with an alcoholic man. One who beat her, used her, kept her down as a victim and refused to give her any respect. I know I remember certain times when the appearance was there. But overall my memories are not positive when it comes to my family. Still isn't except for my beautiful and amazing sister DONNA! She is my oldest sister. She is some one I admire. She chose a hard path but she is a survivor. So a shout out to my sister! Thank you Donna for being a good sister now as we get older. I love you! Isn't she beautiful?