Siblings Love Or Not ...

My family was a large family. There were seven of us kids. We are all about a year apart. I can not imagine the expense and the struggles it was for my parents. I had two older brothers, two older sisters, and two younger sisters. Out of the seven of us three graduated from High School. I know one more got a GED.. to be honest I have no idea about the others. As I have already mentioned.. we are not close. Some of that is by choice but a lot is because we never have been and I don't think we ever will be.

My father was a drinker and a smoker. My mother was not. When we were younger I can remember going with my parents to some bar(s). It was allowed then. My father would sit with his buddies and drink 7 & 7. He would drink and then be smashed and I am not sure how we made it home. My mother did not drive until my brother was in High School. At the bar we played pool and arcade games while they drank. When he drank I don't think he was ever nice. When he was not drunk .. I think he was some what nicer. However he drank more then he didn't. He gambled a lot. If it wasn't the dogs it was the horses. We went sometimes with him. I can't remember if my mom was there.

In my mind is a dresser. Some of the drawers are full and overflowing, some are sealed shut stuck and cant or wont open, some are always open because I am using them, some are partially open when I need something I can reach in and get it. But this dresser is my life. The memories I choice to open up or keep closed. Some are fuzzy with time, some are clearer with age. But this dresser is one that I hope to open enough to share with you. The life I have, the life I had, and the one I always wished I had.

The reason I say this is because sometimes I go back and forth. If I am talking to you and remember certain things I want to write about them at that point. Some I want to never share, maybe I am ashamed or scared to open them up. No matter what you should know that I love you. That I want you and always will be here for you. No one ever deserves to know or feel that they don't have some one in their corner. You need to know  there is someone who will go to bat for you. If ever you read something know this .. I will always answer truthfully. I think its very important for you to know. Now that doesn't mean I will tell you everything, it means I will tell you the truth .. it may mean the truth is I don't know, or I am not ready to tell you or talk to you about that. So ask questions. You should know enough to know who I am, who I was, and how I got to this place.

I love you. That is something I never get tired of telling you.

Innocence Lost©3/2000 

By Dawn S. Crane

I want to go back to innocence
back to when I saw things as a child
I want to look thru their eyes
look at the world with innocence

I want to have a different perception
a perception that you are you
I want to be someone important
someone who matters to herself

 I miss the days of innocence
the innocence of hot summer days
I miss snowy winter days of old
snow angels and snowmen too

 I miss experiencing life first hand
life without prejudices and shame
I miss seeing life in a positive way
positive more then negative today

 I long for the sunshine to cure the blues
sunshine to warm the soul and body too
I long for hugs when they were free
hugs that were just because i was me

Writing is Expressing The Words of the Heart

For as long as I can remember I have loved to read and loved to write. I had a lot of teachers who encouraged me to write. I honestly don't know if I was any good but it helped me to write about life. When I was younger I didn't write so much about my life but more about things. It kept it easy for me. I could hide behind the words and not let anyone see the way I was really hurting.

I like to look at writing like it is the words of the heart. As a child I enjoyed books to escape and writing was also a way of escaping. It was a thing I could make myself do. Leave my pain behind and write about stuff. I still have the first poem I ever wrote for my mother. I cherish it because of what it says, even though it really doesn't make much sense.

My parents had us go to church on Sundays. We went to a church that was right across from the park. I enjoyed going there. Maybe it was because I didn't feel small, or insignificant. Perhaps it was because I knew that it meant there was a God who loved me no matter what. My siblings didn't care for church much. But I didn't care. I loved the way Jesus told stories. Some how they meant so much to me. To know that he talked in parables. What a cool way to learn stuff. I also loved the Old Testament stories. David and Goliath, Ruth and Boaz, Queen Esther (For such a time as this), Joseph, Noah and the Ark with the promise of a rainbow. I loved to read the Psalms and the Proverbs. I still do. They are comforting. Help when you need it and acceptance from some one who paid it all.

When I was in grade school, my parents fought a lot. Well the truth is all of the time. I have very few memories of them not fighting. Some fights were physical, and some mental. But they all were painful. At some point we stopped going to the church that my parents took us to, and I met a man who was doing a bus ministry for a different kind of church. He would bring these books for me to read. They were kind of like a comic book but I liked them. My mom said that I could go if my father would let me. Well he did. I rode that bus every Sunday. I loved that place. The people there cared about me, about how I was, about the things that should matter to a kid. I felt accepted again. But never at home. Home was not really a home but a place I had to stay because I was a kid.

While going to this church, my school class was writing stories to act. It was really fun. One of my friends and I wrote stuff a lot. Our class wrote songs and plays, and we got to act them out. A highlight of my life as a child. I don't think I was much of an actress but I loved the written word. My Sunday School teacher found out I was working on stuff like that at school and she asked me if I wanted to try to write a play for our Sunday School class. I did. It was about The Great Physician. I still have a copy of that and it is one of my most treasured possessions. At church I was maybe who I could have been had I had a family that I felt loved in. Just like at school that acceptance from others was and is something that helped me to become who I am today. Just like the feelings of not belonging fuels who I have become.


Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying,
"I will try again tomorrow." - Mary Anne Radmacher


Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.  - St. Francis of Assisi


We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how to respond to them.
- Epictetus 

Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
- Marilyn vos Savant 


Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
- Joseph Campbell

The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.
- Brian Tracy

Birthday Memories

Birthdays are something I have very few good memories of as a child. First off I think because of my families finances. We were a big family and although I am not sure what my parent's income was I know we didn't have much extra money. Between my father drinking as much as he did, and his gambling .. there was not a lot of money that I know of.

My mother made a lot of our clothes. She was a fantastic seamstress. I remember her making jeans for all seven of us kids in one day. I was so shocked. She made our school clothes and dresses.. at least some of them. She had this big trunk full of buttons and fabrics and zippers. I loved looking in there. It was a smorgasbord of things.

So if any of us got new clothes when we were younger I don't really remember that. My mother did a lot of things. She could cook. I never learned from her though, she never taught us to cook. But she made our cakes, and special occasion dinners, and desserts. She also canned and had a garden. These are things that are becoming less and less common.

My birthday is in January. So I think in my own minds eye I reconciled myself to the fact that my birthday would always be less. After all in December we had my sister's birthday, my brother's birthday, my father's birthday, and Christmas. That was a lot for any family let alone such a large family like ours. I am thinking I may have had some birthday parties when I was younger but I only remember the one I shared before.

I do remember one year that I got some birthday money. I am not sure who it was from but I was so excited and my father was going to take me to the store to spend the money. I was going with him and my mother. If anyone else went I don't know. So when my father got home .. it was raining. He was not happy and he was upset with the weather. The whole way to the store he complained about taking me or having to take me to spend my money. He was speeding and got pulled over and got a ticket. He was furious. He blamed me .. I was nine.

Looking back now I know it wasn't my fault. But then, I thought it was. He made it very clear that I was not really worth the ticket and that if he hadn't had to go out then it would not have happened. My mother sat there. I know why. It's because of the fear and wrath of my father.

We did make it to the store. I bought a Dawn doll. It was all the rage then. So I am thinking I was nine. I also got the Dawn doll stage. I loved that thing. Perhaps because it we shared a name. I can't think of any other reason since I don't remember playing with dolls much. I was more of a reader.

That birthday I will always remember. It really is the one in my mind's eye that made me not like birthdays. They were not anything special. Maybe reading books I had this idea of what it should be like to celebrate a birthday. And it was not anything like that in real life for me. I did decide though that should I ever have kids they would have a special day. That they would be celebrated. And years later when I became an adult I sent my mom a card on my birthday. One to tell her I loved her. I did that for several years.

Here are a few pictures I found online of Dawn Dolls and the stage. My hair was about this color when I was younger. LOL. But I never looked this good.

Bitter are the tears of a child: Sweeten them. Deep are the thoughts of a child: Quiet them.
Sharp is the grief of a child: Take it from him. Soft is the heart of a child: Do not harden it.Pamela Glenconner

 "You have to love your children unselfishly. That is hard. But it is the only way." 
Barbara Bush

"A person's a person, no matter how small."
Dr Suess

So Tell Me..

So tell me something? Did you ever crave someones attention so much? I did. I craved my parents. I never felt like I had it really. I did well in school, I was obedient. I for the most part was a good kid. Never got in trouble .. loved my parents or maybe it was that I tried to do whatever I could for them to love me. To show me what that meant. It was scary ... life wasn't easy at all.

We moved so much, and we never had stability that I remember. But I think those things helped drive me to be who I am now. It showed me who I didn't want to become either. I truly never wanted children because I had a fear that I had no idea how to love or be loved, and I didn't want them to ever feel the way I felt. Still do sometimes. What you do to your children can have a life long lasting effect on them. It can stunt them in so many ways.

About this time my father was selling cars. I loved going to his car lot because it was cool. If we helped we got to have a soda from the machine. He called his business 30/30. His motto was 30 days or 30 miles .. that is all he would guarantee his sales for. When my father was working it seemed that he had a different idea about his children. I am not sure it was much different but maybe my memories are fuzzy with time. I really am not sure I would have called him a good provider though.

My family did some things that typical families did then .. go to Lakeside Amusement Park and Elitches. We went to different places. He took us to Tiny Town. I loved that place. I don't have a lot of good memories of my father but there are a few that stick out. It was a winter break and again a spring break. But we went to this friends house of his or my mothers.. anyway it was a fun place. We went sledding in the winter right from their back yard. We had hot cocoa and laughed a lot. I don't remember much but that the sledding was really fun. There was no yelling or fighting just fun. Everyone got along. Then the spring one we went to the same place .. there we gathered eggs from the chickens. Now we were from the city and had never been around them. I am not sure how old I was but I don't think it was older then 10. They told my sister and I all you do is shoo the chickens from the pen? and get the eggs. What we didn't know was that we shouldn't leave the gate to the pen open. So as we were getting the eggs the hens were leaving the coop. Then we had to chase them back in. What a site that was. LOL. Us city kids trying to chase chickens into a small place.. Its one of the good memories I have. So I cherish it and think of it fondly.

We do not remember days; we remember moments.  ~Cesare Pavese

We must always have old memories and young hopes. ~ Arsene Houssaye