Siblings Love Or Not ...

My family was a large family. There were seven of us kids. We are all about a year apart. I can not imagine the expense and the struggles it was for my parents. I had two older brothers, two older sisters, and two younger sisters. Out of the seven of us three graduated from High School. I know one more got a GED.. to be honest I have no idea about the others. As I have already mentioned.. we are not close. Some of that is by choice but a lot is because we never have been and I don't think we ever will be.

My father was a drinker and a smoker. My mother was not. When we were younger I can remember going with my parents to some bar(s). It was allowed then. My father would sit with his buddies and drink 7 & 7. He would drink and then be smashed and I am not sure how we made it home. My mother did not drive until my brother was in High School. At the bar we played pool and arcade games while they drank. When he drank I don't think he was ever nice. When he was not drunk .. I think he was some what nicer. However he drank more then he didn't. He gambled a lot. If it wasn't the dogs it was the horses. We went sometimes with him. I can't remember if my mom was there.

In my mind is a dresser. Some of the drawers are full and overflowing, some are sealed shut stuck and cant or wont open, some are always open because I am using them, some are partially open when I need something I can reach in and get it. But this dresser is my life. The memories I choice to open up or keep closed. Some are fuzzy with time, some are clearer with age. But this dresser is one that I hope to open enough to share with you. The life I have, the life I had, and the one I always wished I had.

The reason I say this is because sometimes I go back and forth. If I am talking to you and remember certain things I want to write about them at that point. Some I want to never share, maybe I am ashamed or scared to open them up. No matter what you should know that I love you. That I want you and always will be here for you. No one ever deserves to know or feel that they don't have some one in their corner. You need to know  there is someone who will go to bat for you. If ever you read something know this .. I will always answer truthfully. I think its very important for you to know. Now that doesn't mean I will tell you everything, it means I will tell you the truth .. it may mean the truth is I don't know, or I am not ready to tell you or talk to you about that. So ask questions. You should know enough to know who I am, who I was, and how I got to this place.

I love you. That is something I never get tired of telling you.

Innocence Lost©3/2000 

By Dawn S. Crane

I want to go back to innocence
back to when I saw things as a child
I want to look thru their eyes
look at the world with innocence

I want to have a different perception
a perception that you are you
I want to be someone important
someone who matters to herself

 I miss the days of innocence
the innocence of hot summer days
I miss snowy winter days of old
snow angels and snowmen too

 I miss experiencing life first hand
life without prejudices and shame
I miss seeing life in a positive way
positive more then negative today

 I long for the sunshine to cure the blues
sunshine to warm the soul and body too
I long for hugs when they were free
hugs that were just because i was me