Life as I knew it

While I was doing well in school, life at home was not so great. It had to be hard on my mother as she didn't drive and didn't work outside of the home. My father did. He worked a lot of different jobs and I can't remember at what time he finally started his own business. But he drank a lot. His drink of choice 7 & 7.

He also gambled a lot. Betting on horses and the dogs. I don't know if I remember him sober much, but I do remember him always drinking. He was a mean drunk. I loved my father but I didn't like what he did. My siblings and I all suffered at his hands but my mother suffered a lot too. He abused my mother physically, emotionally, and financially. He used his money to do what he wanted and that usually wasn't taking care of us.

It was to do what he wanted not take care of his family. I was young so while I can not say that he totally provided we did have a place to live. Now that I am older I know that the times my mother made it seem fun for us were actual times that he had either gone on a binge or gambled away the money for paying bills and other things we may have needed.

When I was little I remember a few times when we would be getting ready for dinner and bed and we had no lights.. but my mother used candles. She told us it was a special night. Looking back I know we had no lights, my mom was very good at taking some of the bad things and making us not know how bad it really was. I am hopeful that I have passed this on to my own children. For when times are tough you have to protect your children as best as you can. It is not their issue to worry about utilities, or rent, or food. It's ours. We must protect them. Love them, and give them HOPE. They need to trust that we will take care of them no matter what, in good or bad.

I don't know when my father got diabetes but I always remember him giving himself shots. Sometimes we had to give him the shots. I didn't like it. Between the drinking and the shots .. well anyway lets say he was a selfish man. My mother always fixed him the best kind of foods. I think he made her. We sometimes didn't have food, because he "needed" his steak or whatever he wanted. He also was mean to my mother. One of the memories I have .. now it may be just my perception but I remember him beating my mother with a pan. This was because she did not fix his eggs the way he wanted. We had to watch. We watched many times as this played over and over. I will never forget those memories. They have dulled over the years but they are a constant reminder to me of my past. Of what I never want to do.

There are a few memories I have of my father that were good. He was a funny man when he wanted to be. He told jokes and he could make you laugh. But these memories are not as vivid. I try to focus on those times though because the minute you focus on bad things your life is filled with things that give credit to becoming that way. I instead chose life. I chose caring, and love.

Philippians 4:8

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁸ Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 

"life is a choice - as is how you handle the pitfalls along its bumpy road." Julie Donner Andersen

"Let your life mean something. Become an inspiration to others so that they may try to do more and to become more than they are today."
~Thomas D. Willhite~

I hope to be that. An inspiration. A person that thinks on the good and doesn't focus on the bad. I admit sometimes it is a struggle but I will keep working on it. Thank you for reading I hope to inspire you to move on or to keep on keeping on..