It's been more than a few months since "that day". You know the day when I finally had enough. The day I said I will no longer let you control my life again. The day I said just because we have the same parents doesn't mean my life is like yours. That day I finally said...enough is enough.
That day started out like any other. I've relived that day many times. As a child I was to timid, to concerned to rock the boat. I was to worried that I was being mean. I had fear. Fear that you (none of you) would love me. I was the good girl. That good girl who didn't want to disappoint any of you.
So I took the abuses you heaped on me. I lived with a cloud over every part of me. I didn't know who I was. I was so warped that I didn't know I could be someone. I was wounded. I was the abused dog who didn't think that anyone approaching was going to be nice. In fact I knew it would be another kick or another hit.
I vowed that my kids would never know that fear, or that sense of not being loved or belonging. I vowed that I would let them say they didn't like someone. I vowed that they could be strong. Stronger than me. I frequently spent hours, days, weeks, and years figuring things to do for you all so you would finally love me. To accept me.
I tried helping you and your children. I gave up my life to take in some of your kids. That was over 20 years ago. No I don't regret it. You know I understood what not feeling love was about. Because of that I couldn't allow these kids that feeling. I've had to cut some out of my life. And you know what? I'm okay with it.
I finally said enough is enough and I walked away from all of it. Even though I had walked away many times, I always left the door open a crack, I always anticipated that you would come thru the door because we shared a history. I thought one day they will say they miss me. But you didn't.
So the last straw came. I closed the door. My own daughters asked me if I would let you in. They said you can't keep it shut because your not ready. You will miss them, it will be hard because you played a role in their lives for a very long time. They were almost right.
I talked myself in to the maybe ..however I didn't do it. I shut the door. I locked it. I said it's time. There is nothing wrong with taking care of you. And there isn't. I hear the lies and I see the carnage of what your life is. I'm not going to be a part of that anymore. I won't let you wear me down. I refuse to allow the darkness of your lives to burn out the light that is who I am.
I haven't looked back and I haven't allowed the hurt to overtake me again. I'm ok. I really am ok. I'm free to be me. Free to be who I am meant to be and I don't have to feel shame or sorrow about that. There is power in being able to shut a door and open a window. There is freedom to be able to know that it's ok. That I'm not wrong to do that now.
Yep I see the train wreck and I'm at the sign watching and waiting for the safety of the poles to lift and the lights to stop flashing allowing me to continue on in my journey. My joy comes in the morning. My life is so complete in the one who created me. I have a life that is free from the drama of my past.
That day started out like any other. I've relived that day many times. As a child I was to timid, to concerned to rock the boat. I was to worried that I was being mean. I had fear. Fear that you (none of you) would love me. I was the good girl. That good girl who didn't want to disappoint any of you.
So I took the abuses you heaped on me. I lived with a cloud over every part of me. I didn't know who I was. I was so warped that I didn't know I could be someone. I was wounded. I was the abused dog who didn't think that anyone approaching was going to be nice. In fact I knew it would be another kick or another hit.
I vowed that my kids would never know that fear, or that sense of not being loved or belonging. I vowed that I would let them say they didn't like someone. I vowed that they could be strong. Stronger than me. I frequently spent hours, days, weeks, and years figuring things to do for you all so you would finally love me. To accept me.
I tried helping you and your children. I gave up my life to take in some of your kids. That was over 20 years ago. No I don't regret it. You know I understood what not feeling love was about. Because of that I couldn't allow these kids that feeling. I've had to cut some out of my life. And you know what? I'm okay with it.
I finally said enough is enough and I walked away from all of it. Even though I had walked away many times, I always left the door open a crack, I always anticipated that you would come thru the door because we shared a history. I thought one day they will say they miss me. But you didn't.
So the last straw came. I closed the door. My own daughters asked me if I would let you in. They said you can't keep it shut because your not ready. You will miss them, it will be hard because you played a role in their lives for a very long time. They were almost right.
I talked myself in to the maybe ..however I didn't do it. I shut the door. I locked it. I said it's time. There is nothing wrong with taking care of you. And there isn't. I hear the lies and I see the carnage of what your life is. I'm not going to be a part of that anymore. I won't let you wear me down. I refuse to allow the darkness of your lives to burn out the light that is who I am.
I haven't looked back and I haven't allowed the hurt to overtake me again. I'm ok. I really am ok. I'm free to be me. Free to be who I am meant to be and I don't have to feel shame or sorrow about that. There is power in being able to shut a door and open a window. There is freedom to be able to know that it's ok. That I'm not wrong to do that now.
Yep I see the train wreck and I'm at the sign watching and waiting for the safety of the poles to lift and the lights to stop flashing allowing me to continue on in my journey. My joy comes in the morning. My life is so complete in the one who created me. I have a life that is free from the drama of my past.
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