That's What Friends Are For...

So I was thinking about my friends today. I can't begin to explain what they mean to me. I have family but they have never really been there for me. So as a result they don't know me. They can't understand the struggles I face or the dilemmas of being me.

Yes my family understands to some degree who I am because I believe that we are who we are in part because of they life we have had. It is our choice to live good or bad. To take life and be the change we want to be. For that reason my family knows "me" But they dont really know the "me" I have become.

My friends on the other hand get it. I can call them and talk to them about my life. What I feel and they get it. Because they have a vested interest in me. In who I am and why I am feeling what I feel and why I get upset or where my joy comes from .. which BTW it is only through Jesus I have any joy. 

When my girls were little I tried very hard to instill in them that family was and always will be important. That I would be there for them, that I would always help them when I could. Somewhere along the lines that line has become very blurry. In some cases I feel let down by the lack of family they care about, and the abundance of non family they do.

In my case it was and is different. I never had that deep sense of family. The knowing my mother would be there or my father, for that matter that I could call one of my siblings and talk like we cared about each other. But its not how I raised my children. So when they do foolish things and make each other upset about things they can control it upsets me.

So when I was thinking about this maybe the thing I really want is for them to see each other as something more. As being there for each other. Having a relationship that takes commitment, stamina, understanding, love and knowing they can count on you.

To all my friends ..and my children and grandchildren.. this is for you ..

That's What Friends Are For

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try to feel
The way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you

Whoa, and then for the times when we're apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
These words are comin' from my heart
And then if you can remember, oh

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
Oh, that's what friends are for

Whoa... oh... oh... keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, oh, for sure
'Cause I tell you that's what friends are for
For good times and for bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for (That's what friends are for)

On me, for sure
That's what friends are for
Keep smilin', keep shinin'

As The Twig Is Bent

This is one of my favorite poems ever. I know I have felt this. I hope my children never have. 

AS THE TWIG IS BENT

 ~ author unknown
 

The child stood sadly looking down,
Staring at something on the ground.
Her mother's words were harsh and sharp;
She felt them tearing her apart.

 

The silent tears rolled down her cheek,
But still she stood, mute and meek.
She knew somehow she was rejected,
Although physically, she was not neglected.

 

She wasn't yet in her teens,
Just a tomboy, in blue jeans.
She had learned to live with pain;
Throughout her days, it would remain.

 

Again her mind wondered, "Why?"
Perhaps she'd know, by and by.
There must be something awfully wrong,
She guessed she'd known it all along.

 

Maybe it was her own plain looks,
She'd read of it in some books.
How to a mother of unusual beauty,
Her plain child might be an unwanted duty.

 

But her mother was so fair,
If there was any trouble there,
The fault must surely be her own,
Oh, how she wished that she was grown.

 

Then she would go away and hide,
While her heart just ached and cried.
Finally the hurting words had ceased,
>From their cruel blows she was released.

 

So she turned and walked away,
She knew better than to stay.
In her room she closed her door,
And cried 'till she could cry no more.

 

Then she prepared herself for bed,
Washed her face, with eyes so red.
She wished her Mom would hug her tight.
And, just once, kiss her goodnight.

 

At last she crawled into her bed;
Silently, her prayers were said.
"Please, Lord, just let Mom love me,
And, oh, so good I'll always be."

 

The years have passed, the scene has changed,
Mother and daughter still remain.
The mother now is growing old,
The child, once warm, has grown so cold.

 

Somehow, the roles are now reversed,
The mother's last, The daughter's first,
The beauty, too, has been exchanged.
It seems that nature rearranged.

 

The child, now grown, has beauty fair,
There is none other to compare,
While the mother has grown old and gray,
Her loveliness has passed away.

 

The mother looks up at her, now grown, child,
And tries to please her, with a smile.
But the daughter coldly turns away,
She's much too busy to stop today.

 

Let the old lady sit awhile,
She's not about to change her style.
She walks out, with no good-bye,
And the old mother starts to cry.

 

Oh, if she could only just erase,
The coldness from her daughter's face.
If she'd just come and hug her tight,
And kiss her withered face goodnight.

 

If those lost years she could recall,
She'd live them over, one and all.
She'd give the love, she now so longs to get,
And then be rid of this regret.

 

But she knows, this can't be so.
Years don't come back, once they go.
So she must live with being spurned,
The things she taught, were so well learned.

 

So I leave you, with this thought:
Please take heed, least you get caught.
Live long enough and you will see,
As the twig is bent, so grows the tree.

Do Over!!

Do you ever wish you could have a do over? Like when you were a kid and you messed up really bad. If you could go back and erase the things you did wrong would you? If you could erase the pain inflicted on you by others would you?

I ask this because I don't think I would. You see the bad things in my past do not make me who I am today. Instead they keep me where I want to go. The past for me is in the past. While I live it, and sometimes revert back I don't live there. It does not comfort me. It gives me insight into the woman I have become. Without the trials, and things I have lived through I would not be me.

Now I have to say sometimes like Kermit sang "It's not easy being green." I would like to rephrase that to be its not easy being me. I make mistakes, I mess up. I did then and I do now. I look myself in the mirror and see someone I didn't know lived inside of me. While life was not easy and still isn't sometimes I still am alive. I still breathe. I still love, cry, sing, and try. I still exist in spite of the life I was dealt if you want to call it that.

My parent's made many mistakes, but in those mistakes I became me. I wouldn't want to be that child now. Sometimes I don't want to be that adult. I live, and love. I try to be someone that I wasn't exposed to a lot. I think about others, sometimes my children would say to much. I love kids. I love to see them smile, and laugh and know that you care about them. That even small things mean something to you.

Today one of the kids I know broke a piece off of a fluff ball. Its this weird, squishy thing that has these soft things that dangle all over it. He was sad and upset and asked if I could fix it. I could not. It wasn't fixable but you are. I am. We are. We can not go back and fix things and have a do over. But we can fix things and move on. We can still work without all of the dangly things we have inside of us. Sometimes while we see those things as something we need we really don't those things when gone will not be needed. We can lose some of them and still be okay. Life doesn't have do overs. We can't be like the computer and hit the redo button.

Once things are out they are out. If you mess up you can fix it. You can make it right on your end but it may not change. Then you have to accept that it's okay. At the end of the day ... it won't matter if you had a do over or not because the sun will still set, and the sun will rise the next day.

Just do the best you can. Be who you are, and if you don't know who that is, find out and then accept it. Be on the look out for you. Hey I am over 50 and sometimes I still don't know who I am. But I know there is not a do over. So I press on. I glance back but keep my eyes on the future. 

ARTIST: Muppets
TITLE: It's Not Easy Being Green
Lyrics

It's not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold
Or something much more colorful like that

It's not easy being green
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're
Not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
Or stars in the sky

But green's the color of Spring
And green can be cool and friendly-like
And green can be big like an ocean, or important
Like a mountain, or tall like a tree

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why
Wonder, I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful
And I think it's what I want to be   

JOY Comes In The Morning

Psalms 30:5 (New King James Version) reads;

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.

My last blog I wrote about having a hard time sleeping. That is true for me. I do have a hard time sleeping. There have been many times when I struggle with maybe its something I could have changed, or done better. Was I a good enough daughter? Did I love my parents enough? I knew scripture growing up and it was something I used to get me thru hard times, but it also sometimes made me think I would never be enough. From my view as a child, and one who had many sorrows I wondered if I was good enough, happy enough, obedient enough, loving enough.. and the list goes on and on. 

When the nights were long and lonely, and I was afraid of my life, of what I would do or who I would become.. I would ponder things I learned in that Lutheran Church, and later the Nazarene Church. I often wondered if I would ever be happy, or if my life would never have a sense of enough. Of feeling full. Full in the Lord perhaps .. or accepted within my own family. The older I get the more I know that you can never be enough. You can have enough but you alone will never be enough. You are not made to be enough. We are not complete unless we have Jesus to make us that way. 

This first part of this scripture I held on to because I related to my father being angry a lot. His anger was not for a moment but since its all I knew its the only way I was able to relate to a father. The second part where it says his favor is for life well I didn't know if I would ever be able to find his favor in his eyes. I tried, but no matter what I did it was not enough. I wasn't good enough at anything. The gifts I thought I had he didn't think were anything and so I doubted everything and everyone in my life. I couldn't trust anyone. It was dark for me. Dark knowing that I wasn't ever enough. Knowing I could never find his favor. 

The second part is more important to me because I could make it in the dark of night. Weeping endures for a night, (yes it did and still does). But after the night comes the newness of the morning. A chance to see new things. To find love and life in a new day. This is what I want for my family and friends. The knowing fact that although we may weep in the night (or a short time), JOY will come in the morning. It will come. I have learned that JOY isn't about putting on a smile and faking it until you make it. It's about a JOY in you. One that says there is hope .. there is a reality that the bigger picture is My Father God will find favor for life in me. I am not to a point where I fully grasp that. I am at a point where I know its true though.

So may you find favor in the life we have in Christ, may you know that while there is weeping JOY will come. God Bless You as you seek him and find a Father who loves you so much he gave you his Son... 

How Do You Live Your Dash

How Do You Live Your Dash
by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning ... to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears.
But he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matter not how much we own;
the cars ... the house ... the cash.
What matters is how we live and love ...
and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;
are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real ...
And always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more.
And love the people in our lives ...
like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile ...
Remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read ...
With your life's actions to rehash ...
Would you be proud of the things they say ...
About how you spent your dash?

Just something to think about. 

May you have a Blessed Easter!

Gotta Have Hope

There are many nights I can't or don't sleep. This is one of them. I am not sure when that started. For as long as I can remember I have slept with my normal of 3-4 hours. If I am sick I will sleep more. Sometimes I will sleep longer. I am a light sleeper for the most part too.

I think it could be the way my life was when I was younger. When there always seemed to be so much turmoil. My head couldn't rest. Worried that we would have to leave in the middle of the night, or that we would be made to wake up and watch or hear what was being said or done to my mother. The fear was a very real thing to me as a child. I honestly am not sure I felt safe. Can't say that I felt secure and happy much. More like just thought it was normal. That it was a normal thing to have so little sleep and security.

Seems odd I know but I think that even when we were awakened for something that might be considered good it was not really a healthy thing. I do remember when my father would come home from a horse or dog race and he won big. He would wake all of us up and take us out to breakfast.. even at two or three in the morning. Was this a normal thing for others? I doubt it.

There would be times when he got us up for tragic things too. Like if we did not do what he expected us to do. I hope when my girls think back about life in my home that the memories they have of unexpected moments in time will not be ones that cause them distress. For that was never my intention. I have done some zany things with them. I used to wake them up at one minute after midnight on their birthdays to say I love you and Happy Birthday. I really don't know if they even remember those times.

Other times I did get them up early .. to go to breakfast. Or to go somewhere. I loved traveling early with them. In the stillness of the night.. or rather early morning. It was and still is such a peaceful time for me. It's when I can't fall asleep that its restless. Like tonight.When sleep eludes me its because I feel stressed out, worried, or maybe even overwhelmed. These are the nights when I just need to write or cry, or think, or pray.

Sometimes these nights cause me to go to the dark places I have lived through. Things that I have pushed away and hidden because they are painful. I don't like living in the past. I don't like reliving the sorrow. I prefer when I can't sleep to think about the good things in my life. The many times when I coulda, shoulda, woulda lived differently but in spite of me.. God got me through those times. This is the path I want .. the path of life not of death. Of everlasting love, hope and security not pain, sorrow, and despair.

So not tonight once again I am reminded that he has come to give me life and give it more abundantly. Thank God for that. Because the other choice is not one I want. I want to feel the warmth and love of my Heavenly Father. One that cared back then, and one who cares now. One who knows the amount of hairs on my head. Have to be honest .. they are a lot less then when I was younger. LOL But tonight or when you read this.. know there is some one who bore all the sorrow we have ever known or will ever know. He is the rock, and a very present help in life.

Maybe now the rest that has eluded me will finally come. I think I will head to sleep. To rest in Him the Author and Finisher of my faith. The reason I live and breath and have Hope.

Faith isn't the ability to believe long and far into the misty future.  It's  simply taking God at His Word and taking the next step. ~Joni Erickson Tada                                                

Childlike faith focuses on our Heavenly Father - not on our fears.

Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.  ~George Iles

Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope.  ~Author Unknown
 

Siblings Love Or Not ...

My family was a large family. There were seven of us kids. We are all about a year apart. I can not imagine the expense and the struggles it was for my parents. I had two older brothers, two older sisters, and two younger sisters. Out of the seven of us three graduated from High School. I know one more got a GED.. to be honest I have no idea about the others. As I have already mentioned.. we are not close. Some of that is by choice but a lot is because we never have been and I don't think we ever will be.

My father was a drinker and a smoker. My mother was not. When we were younger I can remember going with my parents to some bar(s). It was allowed then. My father would sit with his buddies and drink 7 & 7. He would drink and then be smashed and I am not sure how we made it home. My mother did not drive until my brother was in High School. At the bar we played pool and arcade games while they drank. When he drank I don't think he was ever nice. When he was not drunk .. I think he was some what nicer. However he drank more then he didn't. He gambled a lot. If it wasn't the dogs it was the horses. We went sometimes with him. I can't remember if my mom was there.

In my mind is a dresser. Some of the drawers are full and overflowing, some are sealed shut stuck and cant or wont open, some are always open because I am using them, some are partially open when I need something I can reach in and get it. But this dresser is my life. The memories I choice to open up or keep closed. Some are fuzzy with time, some are clearer with age. But this dresser is one that I hope to open enough to share with you. The life I have, the life I had, and the one I always wished I had.

The reason I say this is because sometimes I go back and forth. If I am talking to you and remember certain things I want to write about them at that point. Some I want to never share, maybe I am ashamed or scared to open them up. No matter what you should know that I love you. That I want you and always will be here for you. No one ever deserves to know or feel that they don't have some one in their corner. You need to know  there is someone who will go to bat for you. If ever you read something know this .. I will always answer truthfully. I think its very important for you to know. Now that doesn't mean I will tell you everything, it means I will tell you the truth .. it may mean the truth is I don't know, or I am not ready to tell you or talk to you about that. So ask questions. You should know enough to know who I am, who I was, and how I got to this place.

I love you. That is something I never get tired of telling you.

Innocence Lost©3/2000 

By Dawn S. Crane

I want to go back to innocence
back to when I saw things as a child
I want to look thru their eyes
look at the world with innocence

I want to have a different perception
a perception that you are you
I want to be someone important
someone who matters to herself

 I miss the days of innocence
the innocence of hot summer days
I miss snowy winter days of old
snow angels and snowmen too

 I miss experiencing life first hand
life without prejudices and shame
I miss seeing life in a positive way
positive more then negative today

 I long for the sunshine to cure the blues
sunshine to warm the soul and body too
I long for hugs when they were free
hugs that were just because i was me